-(waves lapping) -(seagulls cawing)
(folk music playing)
♪
Frenchie: ♪ Ohh, a pirate's life sounds just right ♪
♪ Sounds quite nice, I could say that twice ♪
♪ Sounds quite nice, we won't live long ♪
♪ Ful-lil-lad-dee-lil-idi-o
♪ Smash and gouge and stab and poke ♪
♪ And choke you out, that's a pirate's life ♪
♪ Pirate's life, short but nice ♪
♪ Ful-lil-lad-dee-lil-idi-o
-Roach: It's your bet. -I know it's my bet.
Then bet. Why you always takin' long?
Fuck this! I'm out.
-All: Hey! -Oluwande: What're you doin'?!
I didn't sign up to play cards.
Weeks we've been out here with nothing to show for it.
I should have... 20 kills by now, at least.
Yeah, maybe Captain's tryin' a new kind of slow pirating.
Buttons (shouts): On your feet for your captain!
What we're about to do will be perilous!
Very perilous!
Some of us won't be coming back.
Others may be wounded.
Still others may come back looking totally fine...
but in reality,
be mentally devastated by what they've witnessed.
So... if that's the case, what'll we do?
Anyone?
C'mon!
Something I've always encouraged.
-Um, bottle it up? -Captain Stede Bonnet: No, Frenchie!
-No, that's the worst thing you could do. -No? Sorry.
Other suggestions?
-Yes. -We talk about it.
Exactly. 'Member the rhyme?
"If someone returns from the raid mentally devastated,
"we talk it through as a...
-All: Crew. -Captain Stede: ...crew."
Because that's what we do here on "The Revenge."
(shouts): Approachin' the vessel, Cap'n!
Right! This is it! Places everyone!
Look scary!
♪
Captain Stede: Ahoy!
Surrender! You have no chance of escape!
-(grunts) -(splash)
Captain Stede: Yeah, that was a warning shot.
Now, prepare to be boarded, curs!
Buttons: All right. No, just lift your leg up, Captain.
There you go.
Captain Stede: Raid commenced!
Ooh, ahh!
Ooh, gosh!
Is it meant to be this shaky?!
Can you two down there just hold the bottom?
Keep it straight, if you can.
Ahh!
Thank you.
My name's Stede.
I'll be your robber here today.
-(flies buzzing) -Oh!
Fish, okay, ah!
What's back here?
Fisherman: We're just fishermen!
A-ha! What's this?!
Captain Stede: Some men are born to be pirate captains.
Others learn on the job.
Watch my buttons!
Me? Well, I'm a pretty solid mix of both.
Yes!
Tell them what happened here today!
-Fisherman: Take care of the plant. -Adios!
Good luck with your fishing!
Really fills the space, doesn't it?
Yeah... it's fine.
Now, where was I?
Um... being a pirate captain.
Ah, yes. Now, every pirate captain
captains pirates differently.
Traditionally, piracy is a culture of abuse--
floggings, keelhaulings.
And my thought is, "Why?"
And also, what if it weren't like that?
For example, if your average pirate doesn't steal, he doesn't eat.
That's a lot of mental pressure.
So... I pay my crew a salary.
Same wage every week, no matter what.
Course, it took them a while to come 'round to the idea,
but I've included some amenities on the ship that I think will please them.
Rec center.
-Pirate 1: Out! -Pirate 2: What is this fuckin' game?! Fuck!
State-of-the-art en suite.
-(animals bleating) -Non-humans.
The ballroom.
-Jam room. -(pirates drumming)
And, of course, a full library.
The crew is free to borrow books whenever.
So far, you're the only one to take me up on it.
Well, I'm the only crew member who can read.
That's not-- Is that true?
Ooh.
All right, come on.
Here it is. The spoils of battle!
Woo-hoo.
-Congratulations on today's raid. -Big wow.
I do have some notes, though.
Uh, opening speech went well. Very inspiring.
Uh, oh, yes, I guess the big note
is more energy!
We're swashbuckling, we're looting.
-Let's have fun with it. -Stealing a plant is hardly swashbuckling.
-(Roach laughs) -A feckin' disgrace, is what it is.
What was that?
Who said that?
-Wee John, was that you? -And what it if were?
Well, I'd...
I'd simply ask you to, uh, reframe that criticism
as a suggestion.
What's one thing you'd change around here if you could?
Well, we don't even have a flag, for one.
-Pirates: Yeah. -Oh.
Any pirate worth a damn has a flag.
-Mm. -Roach: That's true.
The Swede: That's right. They have flags.
Oy! Now, each of you will create a flag.
And we'll vote for the best one,
and that will be the official flag for "The Revenge."
I'm not fuckin' sewing.
-That's women's work. -Oh, Black Pete, come on now.
You know that's not true.
How many of you sew?
-Be honest. -Sewed my shoulder up once...
-after I'd been stabbed. -(all gasp)
Captain Stede: Oh! Did you hear that, guys?
Roach sewed his own arm up!
Sounds to me like sewing can be pretty tough.
So, grab a piece of fabric and have at it!
Express yourselves.
(lively classical music playing)
-Oh, that's very good. -Oluwande: Oh, thank you.
-Captain Stede: What is it? -It's like a flag extender...
-Right. -...so it flaps.
-Oh, it'll blow in the wind? Interesting, okay. -Yeah.
-Do you like mine? -Wee John Feeney: That's such beautiful material.
Captain Stede: Well, don't you look holy.
Oh, thank you. I used to make dresses with my mother.
And now, you're a pirate.
A lot of the guys are sweethearts deep down.
Hoy, hoy! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Break it up!
Swede, get off of him!
They're just dealing with
a fair amount of trauma.
So, first of all, you should've asked,
and, second of all...
what could you do with your large bit of fabric?
Talk about it?
-No, shared! You could've shared it. -Oh.
Captain Stede: Creative projects give them a chance to work through it.
And maybe even share a bit of what's going on inside.
Well, guess it's time.
-For what? -To kill Captain.
Hey, come on, mate. I'm gonna have to sew that up now.
Black Pete: Sorry... sorry.
If I can help this crew grow,
as people,
then I've succeeded in being a pirate captain.
A word, Cap'n?
Oh, yes, Mr. Buttons.
What's on your mind? Everything good?
Everythin' is not good.
Mutiny is a-brewin'.
Mutiny? (laughs)
-Really? -Been on many a ship 'n the nose never lies.
-Stop writing! -Stop--
I mean it!
-Lucius! -Sorry, I'm confused.
You said to record everything, warts and all,
-so that's what I'm doin'. -Well, not this!
Just go for a walk.
(light harpsichord playing)
You think Blackbeard's crew sews? No.
We were too busy killing.
Or, or drinking.
And when we weren't killing or drinking,
we were plotting or scheming,
or... or just, generally, being badasses.
You never sailed with Blackbeard.
Hey, could you pass the black thread, pretty please?
Cheers, me dears.
Roach: What is that? A, a cat?
The flag's supposed to be scary.
Yeah, cats are terrifying. Everyone knows that.
'Cause they're witches.
And they've got knives in their feet.
Black Pete: Can we forget about the flags
for a second, and focus on the mutiny?
Mutiny or no, we're gonna need a scary flag aren't we, so--
Look, the point is... we should be pillaging!
-Pirates: Mm-hm. -Black Pete: The current management's gotta go.
Who's with me?
If we can light him on fire... I'm in.
That's one. Who else?
Hey, guys, so, um... Buttons told him.
-(all groan) -Goddammit!
Um, I'm still in, by the way.
Mutiny?
Really? I... I can't believe it.
Why?
I wouldn't take it personal.
It's just that they don't like ye.
-Or the way that ye do things. -Hmm.
I'm supportive, caring.
-Responsive to their needs. -Buttons: See, that
may be what's contributin' to the poor overall impression.
What is the overall impression?
That yer weak... soft-bellied, yella.
-I see. -Craven, ill-equipped to lead men.
Understood!
Thank you.
What I'm hearing is they could do with more structure.
-Perhaps, a firmer hand? -Or an iron fist.
Give 'em somethin' to really stick their teeth inta.
Make them earn their keep.
Know what I'm sayin'?
I get it.
Toughen up.
Question, who's gonna be captain if we kill Captain?
Black Pete: We vote on it.
And... then it will be me
'cause I'm the most experienced.
-(Pirate chuckles) -Fucking no, no, no, no, no.
How 'bout Jim? He looks experienced.
Well, he's a mute, for one, which seems...
problematic in a leader.
No offense. I know you're mates.
Oh, no, none taken. It's true.
Besides, Jim's not too keen on politics anyway, so.
Captain Stede: Ooh, how 'bout that one? Is that big?
Aye, hard to say for certain,
but... I expect she's our beauty.
Good, all right. Should we go for that one?
It's the only one I can really see.
Let's do it.
What about you, Oluwande? In or out?
Well, I don't really have a problem with the Captain.
He reads us stories at night.
That's one nice thing about him.
If we kill him, we'll never know what happens
to the wooden doll who wants to become a real boy.
-Pirates: Aww. -Oluwande: None of us can read.
Lucius reads.
But can he do the voices?
-Captain does the voices. -Roach: Talk like a wooden boy.
-Do the, uh, the boy voice. -Oh, no, that's okay.
(all chattering)
-Do the wooden boy voice. -Do the wooden boy voice!
(high-pitched): Oh, hello. I'm a little wooden boy,
and me, me legs are sticks.
(clears throat)
Christ, that was awful.
-He's not the captain. -Terrible...
Avast ye!
Now, listen up!
I gather some of you feel as though we're not real pirates.
Well, here's the deal, buckos.
We have our eyes on a ship. A big one.
That's right. A whopper.
And we're goin' to catch up with it forthwith,
and kick its ass.
So, any questions?
Is it really a big ship this time?
-Yes, I just said it was-- -I'm not asking you, I'm asking him.
Oh.
She is quite impressive, aye.
But can we light it on fire?
I'd be disappointed if we didn't.
-Yes! -(excited murmurs)
♪ To death we go, to certain death we go ♪
♪ Our one hope being that a certain death ain't slow ♪
♪ Now sheath our swords
♪ And sharpen up our knives
♪ And head full sail towards the ending of our lives ♪
Well, I think that worked well.
Aye, they do seem less inclined to murder ye, Captain.
Uh, Mr. Buttons...
You don't think it'll actually get that bloody, do you?
Well, it's hard to tell. Raids are like snowflakes.
No two quite alike?
Well, no, they almost always end in terrible bloodshed.
Snowflake might not be the best comparison.
-(swords clinking) -(pirates grunting)
-What's that? -Me fangs.
Case I have to chew through some poor fucker's throat.
(pirate yells)
-God! -I'm gettin' too old fer the hand-to-hand violence.
(tense music playing)
(yells)
(indistinct yells)
(screams)
♪
(laughing)
(gasps)
(whimpers)
Open your eyes, child.
This is what a man's work looks like.
Come! Come with me. Come on!
One day, all this will be yours.
Not 'cause you deserve it
or 'cause you've earned it--
Lord knows you haven't done that.
Because you lucked into it.
What do you suppose that makes you?
Fortunate?
(laughs) Fortunate?
Oh, no.
A weak-hearted...
soft-handed...
lily-livered little rich boy.
That's all you'll ever be, Stede Bonnet!
(melancholy music playing)
Captain Stede: That's all I'll ever be.
All I'll ever be.
-(knocks at door) -(gasps)
-Yeah, yes? -(door opens)
Oh, uh, hey, Buttons sent us to check in... Is everything all right?
Like, you're in your pajamas.
No, no. This is my battle jacket.
Yeah, I find the, uh, the feel of silk very invigorating.
Oluwande: All right, well, we'll leave you to it then.
-Yeah? -Captain Stede: Hey! No, come in.
Come in... Please, come in.
I was just gonna say, uh, it's actually been a minute
since I've, uh, done the old hand-to-hand.
-Don't suppose you could give me a refresher? -Refresher?
Well, Jim's seen the most combat,
-so is there anything in particular, or you-- -Oh!
Just the basics should do it.
Oluwande: Oh, that's a kill. There's a kill.
Another kill. Oh, there's your balls gone,
-and kill. -Captain Stede: Right, that's--
It's so permanent, isn't it?
-Oluwande: Mm. -A lot of those, which I, I like them,
but is there something, perhaps, less so?
Like, a stun move?
I mean, I suppose if you kind of--
Yeah, just, if you kind of hit someone at the back there,
-you'd knock 'em out. -Ah. (chuckles)
That, that is a relief.
And does it have to be a sword, or can you use--
No, anything heavy should do it.
-Listen, Captain, you know, if I may-- -(exhales)
You may. Come on.
Have a seat... Please.
-All right, well. -This is nice.
-Look, Captain-- -Mm.
You know, piratin' is not for everyone.
-Oh, no, yeah. -It's a really dangerous lifestyle.
Yeah, some of us thrive on danger, don't we?
-Yeah... Yeah, but look, -Captain Stede: Yeah.
me and Jim, we don't do this because we like it.
We do it because... we don't have any other choice.
Oh, I hear that. I mean, here we are just the whole band of us.
Killing and...
having to kill.
I mean, that's having, having to kill.
Oh god.
I've made a mistake.
I'm not a pirate.
I'm an idiot.
(breathes heavily) Oh god!
-Oh no! -(cannon booms)
What the hell was that?!
It's a warnin' shot, Captain!
Finally caught what we've been chasin'.
Why is that ship so big?
She's an English Naval warship, turns out.
Ten times as many men, 10 times as many guns.
Have you been cryin'?
What?! No... no.
(cannon booms)
(jaunty pirate music playing)
-Ahh! -(all grunting)
Don't panic!
♪
Officer Wellington: They're still not moving.
Permission to blow them to hell, Captain?
(yawns, groans)
I suppose so, yes.
And we're quite certain they're pirates?
Hard to say.
One appears to be a heavyset woman in a silk dressing gown.
Eye.
Office Wellington: You can see her there, cowering.
Captain Badminton: What the devil?
Stede?
They're sendin' over a tender, Captain.
What?! A tender! Everybody hide!
(posh British music playing)
I say, does one of you happen to be Stede Bonnet?
What you lookin' at? Get up!
-Officer Wellington: We know you're there. -Get up!
Officer Wellington: We saw you.
Oh... yes. I'm he. Hi.
Captain Badminton of His Majesty's Royal Navy sends his regards.
Captain Badminton?
-Nigel Badminton? -Officer Hornberry: One and the same.
He's dreadfully sorry about the cannon fire.
-Oh. -He'd like to come aboard and apologize in person.
Over tea.
Not necessary.
Officer Wellington: I'm afraid he insists.
Does he?
-Black Pete (softly): Hey! No! -Uh, well, in that case--
No! No, no.
That'll be lovely, yes.
Just give us a smidge to tidy up.
We went to boarding school together.
We haven't seen each other since I was 15.
-There's too many buttons. -Captain Stede: Okay, you are Lord Peter Gravelston,
minor royalty from Essex, and you love horse riding. Next!
(cutlery clinking)
I'm terribly sorry for firing on you earlier, Stede.
Captain Stede: Mm, ancient history.
We easily could've done the same thing.
(chuckles) Exactly. I mean, thank God you didn't,
otherwise, you'd all be dead by now, but...
(all chuckle)
You're a wonderful sport.
So...
tell me about your colorful crew.
Captain Stede: What is there to tell?
Just a bunch of upper-crust lads
trying our hand at the seafaring life.
-Right, boys? -(pirates agreeing)
-(clears throat) More tea, sir? -Uch, no.
Tastes like... dishwater.
I'm not surprised.
It's clearly been made by savages.
(Captain Badminton chuckles)
Captain Badminton: We were rowdy school chums.
(chuckles) Always playing pranks on one another.
Hmm? Do you remember the day with the rowboat?
-The rowboat? -Captain Badminton: Oh, come on now.
-No, I can't. -The rowboat. (laughs)
It was hysterical! (laughing)
(light music playing)
Look! It's Baby Bonnet! (laughs)
Get him!
-Bonnet! -(all yelling)
Oh!
Row, Baby Bonnet! Row!
(grunts)
(Captain Badminton chuckling)
Oh, it was all in good fun, of course.
An initiation of sorts.
Yes, funny, I don't recall it happening to anyone else.
Captain Badminton: Oh, and there was the time with the horse!
When we made you French kiss the horse. Do you remember?
-(laughter) -Captain Stede: Right, well, this has been quite a blast,
but I'm sure you're busy with all your things,
the King, and the Navy, and all that.
Not really, no. It's terribly boring being at sea.
I mean, how many pirate crews
can one obliterate before it becomes a bit of a chore?
-(Captain Badminton laughs) -Well, this has been fun and all, but, uh...
-we're actually on a bit of a tight schedule, aren't we? -Ah, Stede...
a darling little ship you've got.
(chuckles) It's so...
efficient and...
tiny. (chuckles) I'd love to see the rest of it.
(sighs)
Would you like a tour?
Yes, I would! Wonderful.
We really should be getting back--
Oh, keep your pants on, Wellington.
We'll be back on our smelly old ship soon enough.
No, really. Smells of ass and runny cheese on that thing.
Oh, I bet it does.
Good God.
Quite something, isn't it?
It is absolutely ridiculous.
(laughs) I mean, who brings an entire library to sea?
Baby Bonnet, that's who.
Oh, it's so perfectly you. It's so impractical.
I mean, what if there's a storm?
Don't all the books fall out?
-(thunder rumbling) -(yelling)
We've managed so far.
To think of the ridiculous rumor going around about you.
-(laughs) -Oh?
What's that rumor?
It's so silly, so outlandish.
Go on.
The rumor is... (chuckles)
that you left your wife and children...
-Ah. -...upended your entire comfortable life...
Which is your favorite of all the horses?
Halifax. Very pretty and very fast.
-Yes, he's wonderful. -I like Arthur.
He has kind eyes.
And which is your favorite pig?
To become... a pirate.
(both laughing)
Oh...
I mean... it's true.
(laughing)
-Captain Badminton: No! -Yeah!
(laughing)
You can't! Oh, Baby Bonnet, you do tickle me.
(continues laughing)
(tense music playing)
(gun clicks)
Ah... look at this. Is this a pillowcase?
Officer Wellington: What on Earth is that?
-Just a, a flag... -Yeah.
from some pirates we met...
-...and killed. -Why's one skull eating the other?
(gasps) Were they c-cannibals?
Who can say? All I know is...
I wouldn't mess with those guys.
They were super tough. With a flag like that? Please.
Ah! And this? (chuckles)
-Pirates as well? -Oh yeah...
Those guys were even tougher.
No, they weren't. Doesn't even make sense.
He's holding his own head.
-That's terrifying. -(gasps) Skulls!
-More skulls! -Ooh, this one's vomiting buttons onto a skeleton.
-(laughing) -No more buttons.
Ahh!
I'm crying. (laughing)
-I'm sorry. -It's not that ridiculous.
(laughing) Oh, it is. Oh, it is.
Baby Bonnet became a big, bad pirate. (laughs)
But you were so fat... and soft and weak.
-I thought I was slender. -No, no, no, no.
No, I recall you were a plumper.
And you cried all the time, and liked to pick flowers.
-(softly): A little bit. -Officer Hornberry: Get ready.
-Meow. -(scattered laughter)
Truly, you've tangled with some fearsome outlaws.
Actually, everyone knows cats are very evil because they steal children's breath.
Enough interruptions, slave!
Your captain may suffer uppity behavior, but not me!
(shatters)
(shuddering gasps)
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh my god!
Fuck it!
-(gunshot) -(muffled shouting)
Did you hear that?
Uh, no. I didn't hear anything.
-We're under attack. -Just wait, it might blow over.
Still a coward. Pathetic.
(echoing): Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic...
-(clanks) -Gah!
(body thuds)
(squishing)
Ah!
(shouting)
Captain Stede: Hello? Excuse me?
You guys, I need a hand with something...
in my room.
Quickly! Please!
I used the stun move.
Lucius: Yeah, no, he, he looks pretty stunned.
Oh my god. Oh my god. It was just an accident.
-This is not happening. No. -Oluwande: Hey.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. -No.
This is happening, okay? Do you want to live?
-That's a tough question. -I said, "Do you want to live?"
I think so! Probably!
Well, pull yourself together then.
Yeah, because everyone up there wants you dead!
-It's true. -Now, do you want the respect of your crew?
-That would be nice. -Then this was no accident. Okay?
You did this intentionally.
-Right. -On purpose.
On purpose.
(all exclaiming)
Uh... I did this.
-On purpose. -Stabbed him right in the face.
-Respect. -You'll never leave here alive, pirate scum!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. What now, Captain?
Throw 'em overboard?
No.
Get some rope.
All right, come on.
They're, they're leaving? Where's Captain?
There he is.
(whimpering)
(screams)
Do you know how hard it is to drive a sword through someone's skull?
(chuckles) It's always the quiet ones.
I thought that was fairly badass.
-You got to admit, he pulled it off. -Pulled what off?
Making us dress up like a bunch of fancy boys?
Ah, come on. At least we got some hostages, huh?
(all laughing)
It won't hurt to give him another day.
We can always kill him the day after.
Lucius: He's a terrible captain.
We're not exactly the best crew though, are we?
Besides, as long as he's around,
we're gonna be paid, fed,
and we don't even have to work too hard.
He'll be dead soon. We might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Would you rather be captained by that?
(taunting the hostages)
(disgusted groan)
Exactly.
("High on a Rocky Ledge" by Moondog playing)
♪ High on a rocky ledge lives a Madel, Edelweiss ♪
♪ Shy as a shadow ♪
♪ Lovely as lace, and cold as ice ♪
♪ High on a rocky ledge
♪ I pledge my love to her
♪ Ev'ry time I climb...
My family's here, now. At sea.
Captain Stede: His wish had come true.
At long last, he'd become a real boy.
The wooden puppet looked down at his legs, his hands, his feet.
Whatever would he tell the woodsman when he came 'round for breakfast?
(sniffles) Stupid puppet pulled it off.
♪ How many times I've been up to see her, goodness knows ♪
♪ Huffing and puffing, dressed in the warmest climbing clothes ♪
(sighs)
-(knocks at door) -Oluwande: Jim?
Some dinner.
-(Oluwande speaking Spanish) -Good thing, I was starving.
(sighs)
Captain Stede (wooden boy voice): "Morning, Mr. Woodsman,"
said the wooden boy,
"Don't panic. I can explain everything."
Right.
Lights out.
Wee John Feeney: Could we just have one more?
Captain Stede: I know you love it,
but you've got a big day tomorrow, okay?
Night-night.
♪ There's only one way
♪ Fall to your death from high above ♪
♪ You will begin to grow
♪ In snow beside the one
♪ You have waited for to be mated with ♪
♪ Now, I'm an Edelweiss to my Madel, Edelweiss ♪
♪ Dying to be with her wasn't any sacrifice ♪
♪ We're so deliriously
♪ Happy on our ledge
♪ Where I pledge my love to my Lady Fair ♪
♪ You who are climbing breathless ♪
♪ To see me and my love
♪ Snow flowers growing fonder on Lover's Ledge above ♪
♪ If you've the yen to pluck
♪ Then pluck us both
♪ For we who have lived as one wish to die as one ♪